Breaking Up With Guilt: Why You Shouldn't Feel Bad About Saying No

In this episode, we tackle the manipulative voice of guilt that wreaks havoc on your energy, decision-making, and sustainable leadership. Specifically, we discuss boundary guilt—the kind that makes you feel bad for protecting your own time and energy. 

We explore the roots of this guilt, the societal conditioning that exacerbates it, and its costly impact on your mental and physical well-being. Most importantly, we provide actionable strategies to reframe your guilt, build new patterns, and say no without feeling guilty. 

Ideal for high achievers, people pleasers, and anyone stuck in a guilt spiral, this episode will help you reclaim your space and live a more balanced life. Don't miss out on tools like the GAS check to make empowered decisions aligned with your values.

Check out the detailed show notes (https://tarakermiet.com/podcast/) and leave your thoughts or questions about today's topic. 

00:00 Introduction: Confronting the Guilt Within
02:24 Understanding Boundary Guilt
03:30 The Conditioning of People Pleasers
09:08 The Physical and Emotional Costs of Guilt
15:35 Reframing Guilt and Building New Patterns
17:32 Practical Steps to Set Boundaries
22:35 Final Thoughts: Embrace Your Balanced Badass 

Need a little more balance and a lot more badass in your life? Check out my 1:1 coaching sessions designed to help you tackle your biggest challenges, manage stress, and create a personalized plan for success. Your first 30-minute session is free! Visit tarakermiet.com to get started. 

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction: Confronting the Guilt Within
• 3:10 Understanding Boundary Guilt
• 4:16 The Conditioning of People Pleasers
• 9:54 The Physical and Emotional Costs of Guilt
• 17:05 Reframing Guilt and Building New Patterns
• 19:02 Practical Steps to Set Boundaries
• 24:05 Final Thoughts: Embrace Your Balanced Badass

Transcript

[00:00:00] 

Today we're taking on a heavy hitter, one of the most manipulative little voices in your head. One that shows up in your calendar, your inbox, your body, and your burnout. We're talking about guilt, my friend, specifically the guilt that shows up when you try to say no, or you even think about saying no.

That guilt, that whispers, but they need you. The guilt that tightens your chest when you decline a meeting or turn down a project. The guilt that tells you that rest is indulgent, that boundaries are selfish, and that someone's gonna think less of you if you're not always available. Now, let's get one thing straight right off the bat.

Saying no doesn't make you a bitch. It doesn't make you a flake. It doesn't make you a failure. It makes you someone with a functioning nervous system who doesn't want to light themselves on fire just to keep everyone else warm. But guilt doesn't like that [00:01:00] logic, right? Guilt shows up like, uh, excuse me.

How dare you set a boundary? You should be ashamed of yourself. You're letting people down. What if they think you don't care? Does that sound familiar? Yeah, I thought so. it's familiar because this kind of guilt is systemic. Emotional and deeply personal, and it's absolutely wrecking your energy, your decision making, and your ability to lead sustainably.

GU is one of the core mechanisms keeping high performers, especially women in cycles of burnout over functioning and chronic self abandonment. So today we are going deeper because this conversation around boundaries has gotten shallow to say the least. And you deserve better than another, just say no Instagram quote.

So we're going under the hood and we are looking at what this guilt actually is, where it comes from, [00:02:00] what it's costing you, and why it's not your fault. And then most importantly, what the hell you can do about it. Okay. My hope is that you'll leave this episode with a new way of understanding, guilt, some science to back you up because you know I love that stuff and tools that you can literally try today to stop guilt from calling the shots.

So let's get into it. First, let's talk about what this flavor of guilt even is because we're not talking about the I did something wrong and feel remorse. That's moral guilt. That's actually useful. That tells you that, Hey, you were kind of a jerk. Maybe go make it right. Cool. But that's not what we're dealing with here.

We're talking about boundary guilt, energetic guilt. I said no to a thing, and now I feel like a monster guilt, the kind that creeps in when you finally decide to cancel that thing that you didn't have the bandwidth [00:03:00] for in the first place. Or when you tell someone, actually, I don't have capacity for that right now, and your stomach drops like you just kicked a puppy.

That guilt, it's not there because you've done something objectively wrong. What that guilt is telling you is that you've done something unfamiliar, and unfamiliar, feels unsafe to your nervous system, especially if you've spent your entire life running on over-functioning autopilot. See many of us, especially women caregivers, my fellow people pleasers out there, uh, perfectionists.

We have all been conditioned from a very young age to be helpful, to be agreeable, to be available. Not just taught these things, but actually rewarded for them. We were praised for being low maintenance, for being flexible, easy to work with. Teachers loved us. [00:04:00] Bosses loved us. Coworkers leaned on us. People pleasers unite, right?

We were the go-to fixers, the fillers of gaps. The ones who said, yeah, I can stay late. Before even checking our own schedules. We were rewarded for putting others first and punished socially, emotionally, or professionally when we didn't. Maybe not in obvious ways. Maybe you didn't get overtly called out for saying no, but the room maybe got a little colder.

The email got a little shorter. The team player comments started showing up less often. That wiring my friend, it runs deep. It's not just, I don't like disappointing people. It's if I stop being agreeable, do I stop being valuable? So when you finally say, no, I can't take that on right now, your nervous system goes, whoa, whoa, whoa.

This doesn't match the pattern sound, the [00:05:00] alarms. Your body starts freaking out. Heart races, shoulders tense. You might even feel nauseous or like you're going to cry, and then guilt rushes in. Not because you did something wrong, but because you disrupted the script. And even when you know you don't have the time, even when you know saying No is the right move, that guilt still shows up like clockwork because your body hasn't caught up to your logic yet.

This is a biological response, not a moral failing. In fact, a 2012 study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that women are significantly more likely to experience anticipatory guilt when asserting themselves, especially in the workplace. So that means that we don't just feel guilty after saying, no, no, no.

We feel guilty even thinking [00:06:00] about it. Our brains are basically running worst case scenario simulations in the background. What if they think I'm selfish? What if this ruins the relationship? What if they never ask me again and I miss my big break? Your brain goes into panic mode like you're dodging a saber tooth tiger, when really you're just not volunteering for a potluck. And if you're someone who's climbed to the ladder in a people focused field. I'm thinking education here. Hr, DEIB, healthcare, anything related to leadership, you've probably had to over-function just to be seen as credible.

You probably had to carry more emotional labor, maybe take on more projects, and probably say yes to more than your fair share of unpaid extras just to be considered baseline competent. So your yes muscle is jacked, but your no muscle is [00:07:00] probably a little atrophied, which means you've likely built a whole identity around being capable, reliable, and yes, self-sacrificing.

Maybe even unconsciously, you became the one who could handle it. The fixer, the hero, the one everyone counts on. So when you start trying to set those healthy boundaries, when you finally say no, of course guilt shows up because you're not just changing your behavior here. You're changing your identity in not just how you see yourself, but how others see you.

And that's hard. You're essentially saying, Hey, I know I've been the go-to forever, but I'm not available like that anymore. And that brings up fear. Who am I? If I'm not over-delivering? What will happen if I stop cushioning everyone else's experience at the expense of my [00:08:00] own? and even deeper than that, will I still be loved, respected, needed?

That's the stuff guilt likes to weaponize. It's not just about boundaries, it's about belonging. Sometimes it's about survival. So yeah, of course you feel like shit when you say no. Of course your brain screams bad person alert. When you try to opt out, it's not because you actually did something wrong, it's because your entire nervous system is reacting to what it used to need to stay safe. But just because that's your wiring now doesn't mean it's your destiny.

We can rewire it. You can build a new pattern, but it starts by recognizing guilt for what it actually is. A false alarm, a leftover from an old version of you that had to over function to survive, succeed, or stay connected. [00:09:00] It's not the truth, it's just familiar. But familiar doesn't mean right. Now. Let's talk about what this guilt is actually costing you because it's expensive as hell.

Like think luxury brand you can't afford expensive. And the worst part is you're not even getting a cute handbag out of the deal. I am sure you've heard this before. I mean, every time you say yes to something out of guilt, whether it's taking on an extra project, hopping on a quick call that always turns into an hour, or agreeing to show up for something you mentally checked out of two weeks ago, you're saying no to something that actually matters.

No to your energy, no to your priorities, no to your boundaries, your health, your people. Your rest, you're saying no to your freaking sanity. It's like constantly paying interest on a debt that isn't even yours. And when you keep saying yes [00:10:00] to avoid that gross, uncomfortable pit of your stomach guilt feeling, you're basically lighting your internal capacity on fire one.

Sure. I can do that at a time. And what does that lead to my friend? Burnout, not just the, I'm tired and need a nap. Kind of burnout. I mean, full on soul sucking, nervous system fried. Why do I hate everything? I used to love burnout, and I'm not being dramatic here. Okay, maybe a little, but the data backs me up.

All right. The World Health Organization literally defines burnout as a syndrome resulting from chronic workplace stress that has not been managed successfully. Not too much work, not bad time management, unmanaged stress. And you know what creates a giant pile of unmanaged stress, guilt driven yeses, those constant micro abandonments of yourself in the [00:11:00] name of being helpful, flexible, or a team player Because let's be real, when you agree to things that you don't have the capacity for your stress.

Doesn't disappear, it's just getting pushed down, bottled up, stuffed inside your body like an overpacked suitcase, and then eventually it'll explode. And the research is clear here. People who struggle with assertiveness and boundary setting, especially when guilt is involved, are significantly more prone to the three big indicators of burnout.

Exhaustion. So you're tired in your bones, not just your brain. Depersonalization, you feel disconnected from your work and maybe even the people around you and that low sense of accomplishment, like you're busting your ass, but somehow you still feel like you're failing. friend. That's not you being broken.

That's you being burnt out from guilt. [00:12:00] And here's where I really want you to hear me. This guilt doesn't just live in your outlook calendar. It lives in your body. You start saying yes to everything, and your body's like, oh, cool. So I guess we're not sleeping anymore. Your brain gets foggy. It forgets everything.

Your patience is non-existent. You lose your words mid-sentence. Perhaps you start snapping at your partner because someone at work asked you to do something that wasn't your job and made it sound like a favor. Your digestion is wrecked. Your shoulders basically feel like cement blocks, and even when you are technically off the clock, you're mentally replaying the 14 things you said yes to, that you now resent.

It's not just a mental stress, it's embodied burnout. It shows up in migraines, in gut issues, chronic inflammation, insomnia, [00:13:00] panic attacks before meetings. Or in crying in your car before walking into work, like, everything's fine. Ask me how I know. Yeah, these aren't hypothetical, and yet we keep saying yes.

We keep saying yes because guilt is a liar and it's a really good one. It tells you that you are being selfish for having limits. It tells you that someone else's disappointment matters more than your peace. It tells you that just this once won't hurt. And it tells you that if you say no, people will stop trusting you, loving you, and needing you.

And you know what? Guilt is a persuasive little bitch because it's familiar. It speaks the language of your conditioning. It knows exactly which buttons to push to keep you performing, overextending and betraying your own boundaries while smiling all the [00:14:00] way through it. So if you've been wondering why you feel so off lately, why you're snapping at your kids, why your brain feels like mashed potatoes, why you feel resentful, even when you're doing things that you chose, start by checking your yeses because every guilt driven yes, is costing you something.

It may be your time, your clarity could be your health, maybe even your joy. And I don't know about you, but I paid that price way too many times and it's never worth it. So the next time that guilt pops up whispering, but you should just do it. I want you to pause and pump the brakes. Ask yourself at what cost?

Because if the cost is me, if it's my energy, my presence, my ability to function like a whole human. Then the answer needs to be no. [00:15:00] And not just no, but a hell no with a period. Okay. Deep breath here. Seriously, take one. All right, because now we're gonna talk about what to do with all of this, because I know at this point you're probably thinking, okay, cool, I get it.

Guilt is sabotaging my life. But what am I supposed to do when it shows up and start screaming in my ear? Like an insecure gremlin on Red Bull? I got you. Let's start with a reframe because that's how we start rewiring our entire system.

One tiny moment at a time. Guilt isn't a moral compass, it's a conditioning cue. It's not proof that you're doing something wrong. It's proof that you're doing something new, something different, something that your inner good girl or people pleaser or high achieving hero has never [00:16:00] done before, like protecting your own energy without apology.

So instead of defaulting to do, I feel bad about saying no. I want you to ask something more powerful. What part of me was taught that it's unsafe to say, no, I'm gonna repeat that. What part of me was taught that it's unsafe to say no. That question, that's the key. That's the doorway out of guilt and into actual agency.

Because once you can name that guilt as a learned response, not a reflection of your values, but a habit that's been reinforced over time, you take your power back. You realize, wait, I wasn't born believing I had to be everything to everyone. I learned that, [00:17:00] which means I can unlearn that. You can rewire that part of your brain that goes into panic mode.

Every time you even consider protecting your boundaries, you can build a new pattern. One that says it's okay to take up space. It's okay to have limits. It's okay to protect my energy without guilt or apology, and my worth isn't tied to how much I give away. And here's where we shift from awareness to action, because knowing it isn't enough, you've got to practice a new way of responding.

This is where I teach my clients something called the gas check. it's basically your new internal decision filter. Gas stands for guilt, alignment, and scarcity. I. The three most common [00:18:00] forces behind a halfhearted. Yes.

So anytime someone asks something of you, whether it's taking on a new project, going to an event, hopping on those scary quick calls, or volunteering your own damn self, like you're on autopilot, pause and ask, am I saying yes because I feel guilty? Like. You feel like you should do this, they expect you to.

They'll be disappointed if you don't notice the shoulds Guilt loves a good should, so please stop. Should yourselves The next question, am I saying yes because it's in alignment with my actual values and priorities Right now, think I want to do this. This supports my goals or the kind of life that I'm trying to build.

Alignment will feel solid, calm, [00:19:00] sometimes exciting, but it should never feel chaotic. And the last question is, am I saying yes because I'm afraid of scarcity? Will I miss out? Will they ask someone else next time? What if this opportunity never comes again? That fear-based scarcity mindset is sneakier than guilt sometimes, but it's just as toxic.

Now, if the answer is guilt or scarcity, pump the breaks, that's your red flag. That's your cue to slow the hell down and not auto agree out of emotional reflex. That's your moment to say something like, let me check my bandwidth and get back to you, or I wanna give that some thought. I'll circle back by the end of the day.

Or lastly, I need to look at my priorities for the week before I commit. Buy yourself space because the people who respect you will respect that pause and the people who [00:20:00] don't. Well, that's data my friend. And if you do decide that it's a no, which let's be real. It may be, here's where people get stuck.

But Tara, how do I say no without sounding like a jerk? Let me lovingly say that's your guilt talking again, because boundaries don't require a backstory. You are not a 24 7 customer service line. you do not need to provide receipts for having limits. You can simply say, I don't have capacity for that right now, or, I'm being really intentional with my time this month, so I'll need to pass.

Or thanks for thinking of me, but I'm not available for that. That's it. That's the whole script, and then you stop talking. No nervous over-explaining, no adding anything like an addendum of, but let me know if you get stuck and maybe I can jump [00:21:00] in. No softening it with next time, if you don't actually mean next time.

Just hold and sit in the silence. Let it land. Let your know be a full, clear, grounded sentence. And yeah, it's gonna feel hella awkward at first. You're probably gonna sweat a little. Your voice might shake. That's normal. That's just your nervous system adjusting to a new reality. The reality where you are no longer betraying yourself to keep the peace.

With every values aligned? No. You say you are building a new muscle. A muscle that says I trust myself. A muscle that says I don't need external validation to do what's right for me. A muscle that says I choose me and I don't need to explain that to anyone. You are retraining your nervous system. [00:22:00] You're teaching your body that setting a boundary does not equal rejection or abandonment or career sabotage.

You are showing yourself that the world does not implode when you protect your energy, and more importantly, you're showing yourself that you can trust yourself to hold the line. And that right there, that's the real goal, not just fewer guilt spirals, not just better boundaries. But more agency, more clarity, more sovereignty over your own damn life.

Because here's the truth that most people won't tell you. The guilt doesn't go away, at least not at first, but your relationship with it can change. You can stop letting it make your decisions for you. You can learn to hear it, honor it, and still say no. Anyway. That's power, that's growth. That's what balanced badass leadership looks [00:23:00] like.

So the next time guilt tries to make you feel like a terrible human for protecting your peace, for saying no to that meeting for canceling plans that you didn't wanna make in the first place. And for choosing rest over productivity or stillness over people pleasing. I want you to pause, breathe, and remind yourself of this.

Guilt is just a signal. It's not a stop sign. It's a flare your nervous system is sending up, not because something's wrong, remember, but because something's different because you're stepping into a new way of being one where you matter, one where your needs count, one, where your value isn't measured by how available, accommodating, self-sacrificing or self erasing you can be. You are not a vending machine for everyone else's needs. You are not a never-ending resource. You are not here to be liked, approved of, or applauded for how [00:24:00] much of yourself you can give away.

You weren't put on this planet to be a human support ticket. You are here to lead, to create, to love deeply. Rest fully and show up for the life that you actually want, not the one you're guilted into performing. And yeah, choosing that version of your life will make some people uncomfortable. It will stir up your old scripts.

It might make you feel a little selfish at first, and that's okay. Growth always feels a little gritty before it feels good. You are not doing anything wrong by honoring your capacity, you are not abandoning people. You are returning to yourself.

You are letting go of a version of you that was never sustainable to even begin with. So go ahead, break up with the guilt. Let it spiral, let it throw its little tantrum. [00:25:00] Let it cry into its oat milk, latte and whisper. You've changed. Because damn right, you have and you're allowed to.

Hell. You're supposed to. You've got boundaries to hold, energy to reclaim. You've got a nervous system to stabilize, and you've got a whole life waiting for you on the other side of this burnout culture. And if that makes you harder to access for people who only valued you for what you could do for them, that's not your guilt to carry.

That's your freedom being born. So let this be your permission slip to rest, to say no, to trust your own inner. I'm at capacity meter. To not respond right away to unsubscribe from roles you never agreed to, to prove, protect your piece. All right, I think that's it for today. If this landed with you, share it [00:26:00] seriously.

Send it to a fellow high achiever who's maybe stuck in the guilt spiral. You know that friend who says yes to everything and secretly resents 90% of it, or maybe the one who's been carrying emotional labor, like a full-time job with no PTO. Let them know that they're not alone and that there's another way, and then tag me on Instagram threads or LinkedIn and let me know what hit the hardest.

I always wanna know what's resonating with you, what you're working through, and where you're reclaiming your space. Oh, and if you wanna go deeper into this work, check out the show notes because I've got info on coaching resources and some tools that are built for high achievers like you who are done with performative productivity.

Okay, friend, I'm gonna leave you with one final reminder. Say no, mean it, and don't ever apologize for being a balanced badass.